Post by CalgaryGM on Jan 12, 2007 14:58:06 GMT -5
>
>
>
> Something for our American friends.....
>
>
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America:
>
>
> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
> your independence, effective immediately.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
> duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
> Kansas, which she does not fancy).
>
> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
> America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
> Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
> to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will
> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
> 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
> without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be
> replaced by the suffix "ise."
>
>
> 3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you
> may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply
> can't cope with correct pronunciation.
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It
> really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
> upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas
> such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must
> learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name
> of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all
> American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire,
> Louisianashire.
>
> 4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
> acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
> words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>
> 5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
> on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
> account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
>
> 6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
> Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
>
> 7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
> will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England.
> It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
>
> 8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
> should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
> things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
> you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
> 9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
> we mean.
>
> 11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
> will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
> tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
> British sense of humour.
>
> 12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> 13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
> potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
> fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
>
> 14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
> customers.
>
> 15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
> referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
> referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold
> without risk of further confusion.
>
> 16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
> dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
> having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
> 19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> 20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due backdated to 1776.
>
> Thank you for your co-operation.
>
>
> Something for our American friends.....
>
>
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America:
>
>
> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
> your independence, effective immediately.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
> duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
> Kansas, which she does not fancy).
>
> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
> America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
> Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
> to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will
> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
> 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
> without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be
> replaced by the suffix "ise."
>
>
> 3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you
> may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply
> can't cope with correct pronunciation.
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It
> really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
> upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas
> such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must
> learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name
> of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all
> American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire,
> Louisianashire.
>
> 4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
> acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
> words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>
> 5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
> on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
> account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
>
> 6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
> Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
>
> 7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
> will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England.
> It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
>
> 8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
> should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
> things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
> you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
> 9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
> we mean.
>
> 11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
> will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
> tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
> British sense of humour.
>
> 12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> 13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
> potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
> fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
>
> 14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
> customers.
>
> 15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
> referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
> referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold
> without risk of further confusion.
>
> 16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
> dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
> having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
> 19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> 20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due backdated to 1776.
>
> Thank you for your co-operation.
